Wanna Sleep With Commentator People Like…….


Shane Warne. Anyone like him? I can recall the 90’s as being a period where the arrogance and indiscipline of this international leg spinner frustrated me no end. He had skill, deception, invention and disguise as parts of his awesome arsenal. He was also a major prick.

I say this now having spent some considerable time over the last 12 months listening to his ministrations from the Sly(sic) Sports studio. Given that he sits alongside the likes of (in order of reverence) Botham, Holding, Gower, Slater, Greig (chan 5), Hughes (chan 4), Atherton, anyone, Hussain, it is to his credit that his opinions are taken as well as they are.

Hughes (Simon) was the forerunner of the ‘3rd Man’ style minutiae commentator. He sat in his truck (what a shit deal on the day of a test match. Imagine his contemporary in Guyana doing the same. He’d be in the pool, with a litre of rum and some honeyz!) comparing, contrasting and poring over the details of a bowler’s action, the leg side play of a left hander to an off spinner etcetera etcetera. Riveting and so very often spot on.

Now we have the regular 3rd man sat behind the main commentator offering his little comments and insights. Must be incredibly irritating to the current players, but I guess minutiae is the name of the game when it comes to the elite level of the game. Anything to add Keith?

How about commentators in other sports? Murray Walker (aka Mumbly Talker) has recently been mentioned with reverie on the forums. Famous for being a great guy who loves the sport but is a useless commentator. Doesn’t that cover us all? How does he become a legend of the airwaves? Oh, British sensibilities…..

Big Ron (Tw)atkinson. Nobody liked him personally. I enjoyed his commentary simply because he didn’t realise how much of what he said was shite. Lollipops my arse! Ticket Tout Earle? Not missed. Andy (seriously, who gives a fuck what this third rate prick has to say?) Townsend is total shit to my ears. Southgate; boring, Motson; past it and only there because of the beeb, Brian Moore; THE voice of football. Martin Tyler has out lasted them all at Sly. Craig Burley was on some channel for a while. What a jumped up little twat. Knows it all, did fuck all. Lawrenson. Seriously, he’s from Preston, played for Liverpool in our halcyon days, and even I think he is a fucking tool. Garth Crooks. Speaks for himslef (although many wish he didn’t).

Above all football commentary spewing debacles sits the mouth of David (I can not believe he has just said that, it is the ABSOLUTE opposite of what every human watching this is thinking. Fuck me, my goldfish just bobbed its head up above the water and shouted ‘WTF is he talking about?’) Pleat. For one he can’t pronounce a single name correctly

As for Gray and Keys; fuck them. They made their names simply by being ever-present. Well, the world of digital media was simply omnipresent. Poor Charlotte Jackson. She needs my comforting 😉

Looking at other sports, Eddie and Stevo are amongst the most even minded yet opinionated sports callers out there. They have the ability to slate the sport they love but at the same time marginalise the elements that call it in to disrepute.

What are people’s favourite commentary memories? I’ll go for ‘Rush, goal, 3-2 Liverpool’ as well as ‘And outside him a chance as well, Stuart McCall’, great cup final, great commentary. ‘Colllllyyyymmmooorrreee closinggggg innnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I leave you with a list from Koptalking.com of the useless prick Pleat’s stupidity when doing one of the things needed for commentary; speaking. Goodnight.

* “Lizazaru” (Bixente Lizarazu)
* “Kakarrr” (Kaka)
* “Dirk Kurt” (Dirk Kuyt)
* “Drogbarrr” (Drogba)
* “Adrianianho” (Adriano)
* “Mack-cher-arno” (Mascherano)
* “Riqwelme” & “Rick Elm” (Riquelme)
* “In-ga-zee” (Inzaghi)
* “Ronald-deano” (Ronaldinho)
* “Pearlo” (Andrea Pirlo)
* “Poil” (Carles Puyol)
* “Inn-esta” (Iniesta)
* “Do-Roy” (Johan Djourou)
* “Rays” (Reyes)
* “Roque Junior” (Roque Santa Cruz – entirely different nationality and player)
* “Vieira” (Vieri)
* “Sevilia” (Sevilla – the club)
* “Marcus Da Beasley” (DaMarcus Beasley) (My personal favourite this one)
* “Ayorla” (Ayala)
* “Gilar-dinho”, “Gilardini” and “Gilardine” – all in the space of 90 minutes (Alberto Gilardino)
* “Marqwez” (Rafael Marquez)
* “Heintzer” (Gabriel Heinze)
* “Shev-shenko” (Shevchenko)
* “Tivez” (Carlos Tevez)
* “Louie Garcia” (Luis Garcia)
* “Jockin” (Joaquin)
* “Shimbomba” (Chimbonda)
* “Piteet” (Petit)
* “Barbel” (Babel)
* “Di Natoni” (Di Natale)
* “Matzerazzi” (Materazzi)
* “Maatassn” (Mathijsen)
* “Ongolaar” (Engelaar)
* “Youfalazy” (Ujfalusi)
* “Pie Shield” (Plasil)
* “Petra Check” (Petr Cech)
* “The Republic Of Czechoslovakia” (Czech Republic)

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