The Tale Of Culo de Manteca
#1
06-08-2012, 12:10 AM (This post was last modified: 06-08-2012, 12:14 AM by Bigargon.)
Season 1, Part 1
"it takes Cajones to manage the Sporting Mahones"


Well i am starting off this tale of Football Glory, with a simple Football loving taxi driver Mateo Mantaca, better known to friend and foe alike as "Culo de Manteca". As many years of disappointment. he finally got his chance managing a Football team.. from the lovely city of Mahon, in Minorica, "the Sporting Mahones"

[Image: Sporting-Mahones.jpg]

well this team had problems...first all phantom players, many named after old testament prophets. A really awful assistant coach (who i believed doubled as chief ticket taker and security guard.) and a clueless scout. quickly and desperately, I tried to hire some real coaches and scouts, at the same time signing up real players. Over the course of the first off season i tried everything to put together a squad, any sort of squad that could compete in Spanish B3. I wheeled, i dealed, i tried to take players out on loan. Every player i tried to loan from a team refused, they would rather stay out of shape and never start a match then player for the lowly "Sporting Mahones".

After a time I manged to assemble a squad. By kickoff of the first game of league season I had what on paper seemed to be a decent squad. But soon I realized some how i assembled a squad of Football playing zombies, they were unable to pass or shoot. The defenders seemed to stand around in zombie induced trance as opposing teams ran circles around them and scored goals from almost every distance and angle. I have play FM9, FM10 and FM12, and by far this is the worse team i ever coached. It was a nightmarish season... I tried everything changing tactics, team meetings, yelling, coddling nothing worked. The climax game was at game 10 of the season... We had managed to battle through the first half to 1:1 tie... Culo de manteca gave his most inspiring half time speech. In the second half they gave up 3 goals. including one off a corner kick where no even tried to jump. But the clincher was a bad pass from my home sick Brazilian defender to our equally clueless Keeper, for a picture perfect own goal.

The next day I got fired (along with 3 other coach in Spanish B3, must been a coach firing holiday.)

well here are the ugly stats....

0 Wins
4 Draws
6 Loses

6 Goals scored
20 Goals allowed

Mateo left Minorica with a sadness but sense of relief that the horror was over. When he got home his wife chided " Mateo. give up this silly Football business. You can always call Pablo and ask for old your job at the taxi company." Mateo the infamous 'Culo De Manteca' replied "Quiet Woman! Football is my destiny!"
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#2
06-08-2012, 12:47 AM (This post was last modified: 06-08-2012, 12:59 AM by Bigargon.)
Season 1 Part 2

" 'B' a Good Sport"

well it was long until Mateo started filling applications. Surprisingly only a mere month and half later, Culo de manteca got a new job at.....
[Image: 117px-Real_Sporting_de_Gijon.svg.png]

Real Sporting..... "B"

So i was coaching the reserve team of Real Sporting de Gijon. This was the first time i coached a "B" team. Of course we were mid-season and outside of the transfer window I was stuck with the team i had. This team was very very thin, broke and sitting well in relegation range. I didn't have a left Fullback. so i sub-ed a back left winger to fill the spot. I did a few things different, first i started with a different formation, the helped with my team limited depth. i kept i all strict and simple. Fortunately this team did have some cohesion. After a rough start in the first couple of matchs the team started to click. I had had a good combo of wingers and a striker that weren't afraid to shoot. the weakness was my somewhat flaky Keeper, who seem unable to see shots from more then 20 yards away ( i would recommend a off season eye exam). My back up a Phantom youth Goalie, who wetted himself every time a striker came into range.
Still overall the season went well we managed to move up from a scary 18th to finish at a mid table 12th place. There is some weirdness coaching a "B" team it was kind of like living in old communist East Germany. the soccer football Stazi would come in the night and mysteriously steal player per the dictate of the parent club. some days strange new players would appear, a man in black trench coat would stop by and say "here is your new central defender, make sure he plays or else!." the lack of player control kind of sucks. At the end of the season Mateo was offered a contract extension, tempting,but would he one day find a slashed and deflated soccer football ball in his bed.

decisions...decisions..

Sporting "B" record

9 wins
7 draws
9 loses

38 goals scored
33 goals allowed

Federation Cup:

Sporting "B" 2 : 1 Tudelano (aggregate)
Salamanca 3 : 2 Sporting "B"
(aggregate)
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#3
06-08-2012, 08:44 AM
Very nice update, but you need to post 3 seasons to start with, I'll lock this thread until you have your third season ready. In the meantime why not head over to the lounge and introduce yourself?
WAWAW

[Image: signature.php?uid=14]

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#4
24-08-2012, 03:39 AM (This post was last modified: 24-08-2012, 04:04 AM by Bigargon.)
Season 2
"B"'s a buzzin'


After much thought signed a contract for another year. So another year at Sporting "B". fortunately shortly after the start of pre-season, A big delivery truck showed up dropping off a butt load of players from the parent team, some of then pretty good. overall it was a solid season with a middle table finish.

9th Place
W 16
T 12
L 10

I was offered a new contract, but i had a feeling this was as good as i was going to do with this team. Every time i developed a player a black car would appear in the night to take him away. So at the end of the season i resigned. Onward and forward!


Season 3 Part 1
[Image: escut2.gif]

Terrin' some assa
I thought well i had a good season and a half with Sporting "B" people would just be begging to have the famous "Culo de Manteca" as a head coach. I applied for two jobs in the next league up LIGA adelante (Xeres and Hercules).....well they just laughed their asses off. so back to the drawing board.... Culo de manteca may have not impressed the mighty Xeres or Hercules but recently promoted Terrassa was very impressed... so rather then going back being a taxi driver in Seville..it was time for the next team.

How to describe this season with this team.....
the story of team that escapes the bowels of Semi-Pro football to the glittering promise of professional sport..
A rather crude analogy may apply at this point. This was much like the experience of some fresh faced young lady from the mid-west, with stars in her eyes heading west to Hollywood, with dreams of fame and fortune on the silver screen, only to be staring on internet site, naked and covered in....you can guess the rest.

Again another team with awful players, so again I fail miserably at trying to get together a coaching staff and team that can gel together. It was only 4 games in we were heading into the mortal morale death spiral. The management was a bit more patient with me then the Sporting Mahones they fired me after 17 games.

W 3
T1
L13

The Eagle has Larded
[Image: 150px-AquilacalcioSM.PNG]

Well unemployed again, after a hard night of drinking, Culo De manteca checks want ads for a head football coach job. there is only one ad, for the C2 Italian league team L'Aquilla Calcio. Surprise, surprise Manteca get the job. well Manteca needs to learn a new language. Instead of saying (which was said quite often amongst the sporting mahones and terrassa) "Espero ver mas fuera en la segunda mitad" he must instead say "Mi aspetto di vedere di piu fuori di voi nella seconda meta". Still its the same game, trying to get a bunch of ego maniacs with inferiority complexes to play like a team. This team is huge, it seems almost every young man to every balding middle age guy in central Italy plays on this team. The payroll is gigantic. Among this mass of humanity there is a decent team. After a bit of a uneven start, we go on to a steady climb up the table.

I have a good set of strikers and fullback/left middle fielder who can score some goals. At the last game of the season (a boring tie) we mange to grab the last spot for the promotion playoff. In our first match up we dominate Poggibonsi winning both matches 3-2 and 1-0. next Opponent Aldo Aidge, after two of the world most boring matches (0-0, 0-1) we fall short by one freakin' goal.Fit



W 9
T 6
L 5

Promotion Playoff
L' Aquilla (4) - (2) Poggibonsi
Aldo Aidge (1) - (0) L'Aquilla


I signed up for another year with L'Aquilla.... now the tough part ...must do more cutting then Jack the Ripper to get this team from descending into bankruptcy, while trying to meet the high expectations of fans and management.
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#5
24-08-2012, 04:00 AM
One of the funniest updates on the site... Really enjoying this one!

kutgw
Currently managing: NK Novigrad, Croatian First League
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#6
24-08-2012, 06:43 AM
WHS^

Great first update. Looking forward to reading more. Thup
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#7
24-08-2012, 11:09 AM
Good start of your career. And interesting one. :KUTGW:
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#8
01-09-2012, 04:13 PM (This post was last modified: 01-09-2012, 04:20 PM by Bigargon.)
[Image: L%252527Aquila_Calcio_bandiera_animata.gif]

Season 4 2014/2015
Where eagles dare, and pigeons die!

well it was a amazing season. It didn't seem like it would start that way. On June 30 it was moving day, as i released 2/3 of the first team and pretty much the entire reserve team. I did manage to keep a core of best players: my best striking team,my best keeper, my best middle fielder, and my string pulling left mid back/defender. so i was able to keep a core of performers. as L'Aquila is in never ending money problems (then again every single team i've ever played in this game has money problems), i had a very slim budget to go with.

on top of that the board had an expectation of promotion for the season. soooo.... it would require some wheeling and dealing to happen. First i looked through the endless reports the my scouts sent me. In the bottom left drawer of head coaches desk were reams of paper on various players. first get some central defenders, I let go of some old, slow and overpaid ones. so i want some that were fast, younger and cheaper. I did find them and one loaner ( man that was a pain in the butt, every bench warmer in the c1 and B leagues were "too good" to play in a lowly c2 team, oh well enjoy those wood splinters in your ass from sitting on the bench all season.)

picked up more midfielders, two decent right fullbacks, some wingers. By far my best find was a right winger who make plays and score goals.

So i had a team, but would they play? with terrassa and sporting mahones when i added a bunch of new players it was a disaster. This time i had a core of veteran players, i was hoping this would be a leaven to our collective loaf.

well we started off well ok, then in November and December we hit a rough patch. with the coming of 2015 the team took off we went on a run that was more like a killing spree from jan to mar we went 9 wins 2 ties and 1 loss. we catapulted to the top with eight point lead on #2 San Marino.

once april rolled along and we were in firm command of the league title and securing a spot at promotion, then team got lazy. we scored a whole two goals in April and lost 3 out of 4 ( including a nasty 3-nil thumping by our nearest rival San Marino.)

So it game down to the last game of the season against a team struggling to make it in relegation playoff, Ancona) prior to that i had a successful team meeting ( a rare event indeed). the normal cob web ridden Tommaso Fattori was filled with almost 5000, screaming, fair weather fans. the first half we were in total control except on the scoreboard, as Acona hit us for a counter attack and a goal.
At half time Culo Di Lardo gave an impassioned speech. In the second half we scored three goals, wining the C2/A league by one point. Celebrate

also we had the C2 SUPER CUP we played the B league champs Melfi. the first match on there grass was an inconclusive Nil-Nil tie Rolleyes
At Tommaso Fattori it was a different story as we dominated with a 3-1 victory and the C2 Super cup.

At the end of the season I signed up for another season at L'Aquilla. let see if Culo Di Lardo (that's Italian for Culo de Manteca) can keep this team up in C1/B.
C2/A Season
Wins 21
Losses 9
Ties 8

goals: 67
allowed: 47


Series C cup ( as they say more then a handful is a waste.)
Modena 1-0 L'Aquilia

Italian Cup- 1st round
Gulianova 1p-1 L'Aquilia

C2 Super Cup
L'Aquilia 0-0 Melfi
L'Aquilia 3-1 Melfi
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#9
01-09-2012, 04:24 PM
Great season there mate; you got the core of the team signed back up for the next season?
Currently managing: NK Novigrad, Croatian First League
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#10
02-09-2012, 08:53 AM
The Italian lower leagues are a bit like the Scottish league, fairly similar so hopefully you'll do ok in the new division.

Great read and you've mixed being crap with some success. Big Thup
100 years from now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money I had in my bank account, nor what my clothes looked like; but the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child.
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#11
03-09-2012, 03:38 PM
WHS. Great and very entertaining read.
"Being a manager is easy...all you have to do is win every game"


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#12
05-09-2012, 01:14 AM
Well done, those Italian lower leagues can be brutal at times. Good luck pressing on!
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#13
05-09-2012, 01:40 AM
I tried moving portsummaga (sp?) about the place at one point in time... No luck; those leagues can be very brutal and there really isn't much room for financial error.
Currently managing: NK Novigrad, Croatian First League
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#14
06-09-2012, 03:08 PM
Good read so far. Good luck staying up.
FM14: SV 07 Elversberg - 2013/14 (Season 1) - 3. Liga (Germany)
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#15
15-09-2012, 01:57 PM (This post was last modified: 15-09-2012, 02:01 PM by Bigargon.)
[Image: 10773.png]

Season 5 2015/2016 Muddling through the C1B

It's the summer of 2015, the predicted Zombie Apocalypse has not happened. the Central bankers around the world have managed to avert total world economic meltdown, by confiscating everybody retirement accounts and investing them in "safe" government bonds. So that all said the show must go on.

Culo di Lardo faced a new challenge, promotion to the C1/B. The base squad that won C2/A was still there. I brought on a couple new faces, a quality left back, a a new midfielder, also a aging striker ( i have to admit the only reason i picked him up because his name looked like "Pig Nose".) I also got a couple of loaners. as usual the budget was tight.

So we went in with uncertainty of how it would go. We started off the season with bang winning all our friendlies (beating A series Bari) and winning the first 3 rounds of the Italian Cup (two penalty shoot out wins and victory over A Series Empoli). This carried over into the regular season with a three game wining streak. then we started to slow down a loss here, a win there, a couple of draws. Still we hung on to the top end of the table.

We also made a made a run at Italian Series C Cup, winning the first two rounds, to make it to the third round, round robin. Unfortunately all this soccer football took its toll. My team was getting tired and injured. through the month of November and December we hit a rough patch losing 7 and tying 1, including elimination form the Italian Cup and Italian C Cup. By Christmas time the team was exhausted and demoralized.

The Christmas brake rejuvenated the team, well we stopped losing as much. We went through the winter at solid mid table. the magic we had early in the season was lost. Our greatest problem was our goal tending. while my guys were excellent C2 keepers , they couldn't handle the skill level of C1 league strikers. Time and time again we blew leads, on cheap goals. During the winter break i tried to up grade our keeper. I got a marginally better keeper, but he never really got to the match fitness to be a everyday starter.

As the snows of the Apennines melted so did my team. After a decent winter, we again got hit by the injury bug. The team when on a Crap run of 5 ties and 3 losses. Fortunately it was good enough to keep us from relegation for a 12th place finish.

The players I signed that year were all disappointments. It was my core from the last two years that keep things going. I signed for another year coaching L'Aquilla ( i have a feeling one way or the other this will be the last season back at L'Aquilla).

Even though we had the second best attendance in the league, we we're losing money. I am starting to wonder if this isn't some sort, mob owned business were there is some skimming off the top. after all the Chairman Elio Grizzi comes into the office in a Ferrari, in a custom tailored suit, and his hot "private" secretary, and all he can say is "We gotta no money!"

So next season i will again have to squeeze every rapidly devaluating Euro to get this team together.

Season 5 2015/2016 W12T8L14 For48 Ag49

Italian Cup
L'Aquillia 0(p)-0 Cuneo
L'Aquillla 1(p)-1 Bresica
L'Aquilla 1- 0 Empoli
Lecce 5- 1 L'Aquilla

Italian C Cup
L'Aquilla 3-2 Cremonese
L'Aquilla 3-0 Monza
Como 1-0 L'Aquilla
Cuneo 3-1 L'Aquilla
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#16
17-09-2012, 08:12 PM
A tough season, well done staying up. Hopefully next year you'll find some way of making a little cash.

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#17
18-09-2012, 02:02 PM
Thank goodness for the good start. Here's hoping you can push L'Aquila a bit further up the table!
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#18
09-10-2012, 12:20 AM
(06-08-2012, 12:10 AM)Bigargon Wrote: Season 1, Part 1
"it takes Cajones to manage the Sporting Mahones"


Well i am starting off this tale of Football Glory, with a simple Football loving taxi driver Mateo Mantaca, better known to friend and foe alike as "Culo de Manteca". As many years of disappointment. he finally got his chance managing a Football team.. from the lovely city of Mahon, in Minorica, "the Sporting Mahones"

[Image: Sporting-Mahones.jpg]

well this team had problems...first all phantom players, many named after old testament prophets. A really awful assistant coach (who i believed doubled as chief ticket taker and security guard.) and a clueless scout. quickly and desperately, I tried to hire some real coaches and scouts, at the same time signing up real players. Over the course of the first off season i tried everything to put together a squad, any sort of squad that could compete in Spanish B3. I wheeled, i dealed, i tried to take players out on loan. Every player i tried to loan from a team refused, they would rather stay out of shape and never start a match then player for the lowly "Sporting Mahones".

After a time I manged to assemble a squad. By kickoff of the first game of league season I had what on paper seemed to be a decent squad. But soon I realized some how i assembled a squad of Football playing zombies, they were unable to pass or shoot. The defenders seemed to stand around in zombie induced trance as opposing teams ran circles around them and scored goals from almost every distance and angle. I have play FM9, FM10 and FM12, and by far this is the worse team i ever coached. It was a nightmarish season... I tried everything changing tactics, team meetings, yelling, coddling nothing worked. The climax game was at game 10 of the season... We had managed to battle through the first half to 1:1 tie... Culo de manteca gave his most inspiring half time speech. In the second half they gave up 3 goals. including one off a corner kick where no even tried to jump. But the clincher was a bad pass from my home sick Brazilian defender to our equally clueless Keeper, for a picture perfect own goal.

The next day I got fired (along with 3 other coach in Spanish B3, must been a coach firing holiday.)

well here are the ugly stats....

0 Wins
4 Draws
6 Loses

6 Goals scored
20 Goals allowed

Mateo left Minorica with a sadness but sense of relief that the horror was over. When he got home his wife chided " Mateo. give up this silly Football business. You can always call Pablo and ask for old your job at the taxi company." Mateo the infamous 'Culo De Manteca' replied "Quiet Woman! Football is my destiny!"
Don't know why, but this is the funniest post I've ever read on a forum Mrgreen
I hope you're gonna continue this save Thup
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#19
03-11-2012, 09:33 PM (This post was last modified: 03-11-2012, 09:34 PM by Bigargon.)
[Image: claudia_romani_football_03.jpg]

( hey i normally put the team logo here, but i was searching for the logo, i found her instead, she much better to look at then the logo)

Season 6 2016/2017 the Mediocrity Continues

well i took a bit of a break from this game, then got back into to. This is my third season with L'Aquila. I got rid of Pig Nose, got rid some other dead wood. My hope this season was to move from the mid table to compete with the big boys. My scouts were working hard and came from some potential "players". I picked up two good strikers one from Ghana (enough said fred) and Burundi (steam boat willie) , both had good seasons fred with 16, and willie with 12. I know had four decent strikers i could mix and match.

I also got a new keeper (Sir Robin) who ended up being quite a liability. Every time a striker ran at him he panicked and peed down his leg, and a goal was scored. so often i had to depend on my sub par, lazy back up. Luckily mid season a B-league team wanted him ( why? i don't know) so i sold him off for some much needed Euros (will the Euro even exist in 2017?),my scouts found a 19 year old dutch boy, who pretty much saved our season. I also pick up some decent mid -fielder including one that has a nasty curling shot that won us a few games.

Still I had the same problem as we had last season, we'd start off as giant killers, then right around November we would fall apart, then after Christmas break we would claw our way back to respectability to a mid table finish.

I also did some more tactical experimentation when in our mid-season slump (i originally vowed to keep it simple this time around, but i could resist the temptation.) but it didn't really work. It was educational. one thing i discovered is i want to get away from have highly skilled but old and slow players. I am looking to get this team younger, and faster. Kind of like the movie Logan's Run where you die when you turn 30. That said i will have at least one over 30 on my team, my old veteran striker, he'll be around for one more season.

here are the stats:
C1/B
10th place Wins 13 Ties 8 Loses 13 For 49 Ag 50 Dif -1


Again we did quite well in the cup games
Italian C-Cup (see picture above for reference)
Group F
5 L'Aquila : Chieti 0
2 Gubbio : L'Aquila 0
2 L'Aquila : Gavorono 1
3 L'Aquila : Foligno 2

1st round
3 L'aquila : Frosinone 0

2nd round
2 L'Aquila : Livorno 1

3rd round group d
5 Lumezzzane : L'Aquila 4
2 L'Aquila : Pro Vercelli 2 (eliminated)


I really wonder if i should just start putting in my crap players in for these cup games. Because all they do is get my starters worn out.

Well i am still beloved by the fans of L'Aquila so i was given another contract and i signed...so another year in Italy. I think this might be the last year at L'Aquilla. It might be time to go back to Spain, and redeem my past failings there.
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#20
03-11-2012, 09:44 PM (This post was last modified: 03-11-2012, 09:45 PM by ken66.)
Well done on...well...on nothing really Mrgreen
Trying to build a successful team, Berwick by Berwick
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