Quit Jivin’ Me, Turkey!

An FM’06 career by Wewak

As a wet behind the ears Australian football fanatic I threw my hat in the football managerial ring and lo and behold Erzurumspor, a 2. Division Category B side from Turkey gave me a chance. Thanks Frank.

So with varying divisions from Italy, France, Germany, Turkey, Australia and England loaded and a huge database I was on my way.

Season 1: Erzurumspor, 2. Division Category B, Turkey.

Didn’t speak the language, hated the players, they hated me, sacked after 6 months.


Season 2: Frickley, Conference North, England.

After 6 months trawling the ‘positions vacant’ and stacking shelves at a local grocer, newly promoted Frickley gave me a chance.

My scout must’ve been on parole for some unthinkable acts because 90% of his recommendations were 15 and 16 year old school boys. Anyway, not having any transfer money and being over the wage budget I took his advice and signed a couple.

Won some games, lost some games, drew some games, got pissed off by the fact that most of the goals (for and against) were from keeper errors, penalties or stupid back passes. 11th.


Season 3: Frickley, Conference North, England.

Having been gainfully employed for nigh on 12 months I was starting think maybe I did have the right stuff and could carve out a career. So with no money I set about doing nothing to the squad for the coming season. Aside from promoting a couple youngsters from the U18s, that is. Ones that basically knew the rules of the game got a start at some point.

The standard of football didn’t change but we fortunately scored more times from terrible play than we conceded and finished 3rd.

The play-offs beckoned and at half time in game 1 against Yeading we were down 0-1 from a shocking back pass. Well it seems I gave the team talk of my life as we thrashed them 4-1 and coasted home in the return leg.

The play-off final was an epic affair lasting a full 120 minutes without the ball finding the back of either keepers’ net. Only our third 0-0 draw for the term. So with my players fatigued and suspect from the spot at the best of times I was nervous. But. I needn’t have been. We nailed 3 of our first 4 while Nuneton could only find one

Whagerty11!!!1111 Frickley are going to the Conference National.


Season 4: Frickley, Conference National, England.

Well the media and bookies had us pegged as certainties to go down and by tinkering with a new formation for the first 9 games I was making them look good judges as we sat bottom with 2 points. A cunning insight saw us revert to our formation of last term and the results started to come. We were quickly out of danger and hovered mid table for most of the season, hitting a high of 11th and eventually settling on 14th.

Our 2 young star strikers, 18 and 22, were in and out of the side with injury all season and their availability coincided with good form streaks.

Made the final of the FA Trophy which pleased the fans, however, no silverware was forthcoming as we went down 3-2 on penalties after securing our second successive 120min bore-a-thon in non-drawable matches.

So it’s another crack at the Conference National and with some luck we should push for a play-off place.


Season 5 (09/10): Frickley, Conference National, England.

A very uninspiring season. One more win, a couple of extra draws and a better gd than last term see us finish 10th. Some flirting with the playoff zone, but it was never likely to happen.

Loaned a gun ‘keeper for the season and he started great but got injured then was shit and I sacked him with 2 matches to go.

Two young strikers were the top goalscorers again, though they will need to improve next term if they want to stay on the books. A handy young amc/fc that progressed from the junior ranks needs to be mentioned here; his name is Cook

Sold my first player for the save. A classy left winger to Stoke for £500k

Get ready for another exciting season…

Season 6 (10/11): Frickley, Conference National, England.

Heartbreak. Just as an unlikely play-off berth materialised it vanished as quickly. After an horrendous start to the season, we climbed from 19th about 1/3 of the way through to being outright 5th with 2 games to go. With our solid form and high morale I was confident we’d hang in there. Second last match: biggest loss of the season (only 3-1 but still ). We got pushed to 6th. Mansfield were 5th, 2 points to the good and Morecambe 7th, equal on points. So we need a win or draw and we need Mansfield to lose (gd is not in the picture ) to make the playoffs. Last match: we draw 0-0 with a no-hoper side at home with everything to play for

1 point. Not enough. To rub salt into the wound Mansfield lose and Morecambe win to leapfrog us both and take 5th

Frickley 7th

In other news: cups suck arse, bought a new keeper, 6 Frickley players made the conference select side, including 4 starters, young Cook is now a starting FC , Frickley’s 17yo AMC/DMC collected goal of the season award, FM07 sucks arse, we were 16-1 for the title, board gave me £60k of the £500k from the sale last season, Frickley had the most goals for the term and was second in gd, we had an all English CL final with Chelsea knocking over Liverpool.

So it’s another crack at the Conference and, just quietly, we are looking to win it

Mid -season update:

Well here’s a new one:

I’m not the most calm person at the best of times watching my 2D blobs run around, but during a recent 2nd v 3rd clash (we were 2nd) we got thumped 5-1 and had 2 dismissals. Well I was a little upset and warned 4 players for having poor performance, fined one player for having poor performance and fined 2 players for dismissal.

I tentatively hit continue and kept one eye on the “Frickley” link to see if it would disappear signalling my sacking. Surprisingly, there wasn’t even a warning about fining players. In fact, the next list of news items contained no less than 7 items referring to player x accepting his warning/fine and a willingness to improve.

Seems I was justified and they were being lazy gits.


Season 7 (11/12): Frickley, Conference National, England.

Well we were around the top 2 or 3 most of the season and finished the season superbly. 9 matches to go, Frickley were 9 points clear, 5 to go, 12. We won the next match and Yeovil lost to tie it up with 4 matches to go, then celebrated by winning the last 4 to win the league by 22 points

Frickley . P46, W33, D6, L7, 109F, 50A, +59, 105P, 1st

A superb season of consistency, apart from 5-0, 5-1 and 4-2 thrashings by teams we should have smashed, there weren’t any “far out” results, just regular 3-0, 3-1 wins and the very occasional loss and draw. /delighted.

Cups suck arse (made it to the N Final of the suck arse trophy, going down on pens after being locked 4-4 after 2 legs and extra time)

A couple of my youngsters from a few seasons back are really starting to shine and attracting interest from Premier League sides, but for now I’ve got them tied up.

Bring on league football.

Season 8 (12/13): Frickley, League Two, England.

We started off with 2 losses but didn’t look back. A newly relegated Reading led for much of the season, with Frickley nudging in front on occasion. With 4 to play we needed just 3 points to virtually secure promotion. It turns out the next match was against Barnet in 4th and a draw there would do. In the match of the year we nailed them 6-3 to secure back to back promotions. First time I’ve achieved that in as long as I can remember.

Ended up second thanks to the lads falling asleep in the last 3 matches.

Had a great cup run in the FA reaching round five where we held Villa to 1-1 at their place and lost it 0-1 at home.

We have 3 fantastic young players (2 u19 reps) who are making noises about leaving. For now they are tied up, though I am trying to sell two of them with no success.

So it’s League One and the excitement is building.

In the off season I sacked (didn’t re-sign) 20 has been, or never will bes. It felt good.


Season 9 (13/14): Frickley, League One, England

Boss: “How are we going to get anything out of this season?”
Assman: “Somehow”
Boss: “That’s it? Somehow?!”

And so the seeds of the business plan for Season 2013/2014 were planted. Somehow we kept our whinging budding stars, somehow we lost in round 1 of the Suck Arse and the Carling cup, somehow we only played 2 FA Cup matches, somehow every time we lost or drew so did our contemporaries. Somehow when my BA centre back whinged for the last time we stitched up a £2m deal days after he became eligible for a bosman ruling. Somehow we top scored the division. Somehow we ended the season on a 13 match unbeaten streak. Somehow we got promoted in second place. Suck your bags media/bookies/assman/fans/board/chairman whoever.

Somehow this game feels too easy right now.

Somehow I think we’re f**ked for next term.


Season 10 (14/15): ; Port Vale, League Two, England (via Perth Glory, Australia)

That’s right. I jumped ship. Perth Glory noted my stunning efforts with Frickley and invited me to a homecoming of sorts (even though it’s 3000 miles from my home town) down-under. A ten fold pay increase didn’t hurt either.

I never got going in Australia. Was top for a while and should’ve ended up playing the final series, but I just could not get these guys to play properly. They were much more talented than the mob at Frickley but they played much worse, and I was unsurprisingly sacked for having a poor relationship with my staff.

A few weeks later a struggling Port Vale came knocking and with a pay offer 5 times my last wage in England and a relegation to stave off, I was in. Vale were last, 6 points from safety, with 16 matches to play and a paper thin, if moderately talented, squad.

Currently we only have 6 to play and Vale’s plight will not be revealed until those are played.

Frickley are a sorry sight now, propping up the Championship with my best players either sold or on the bench. So sad.

Not to keep the readership in suspense here’s the end of the above season:

For those that haven’t been paying attention Vale are 6 from safety with 16 to play when I take over. Well, without putting too fine a point on it, it was a breeze. What the sacked manager was doing, I’m f**ked if I know. I do know though that he was right to be sacked.

The first 13 games we went without a loss, including 8 wins. Ironically, we weren’t safe until after the first loss in the 14th match. We celebrated with another loss but won the last match of the season to finish 18th, a massive 15 points clear of relegation.

I have serious doubts about the viability of this club though with massive losses due to some exorbitant contracts being offered by the previous boss. Given that the squad is paper thin and no transfer money is available I won’t be offloading any of them either

Btw, the Arse got it’s 7th Premiership in 9 seasons

(And that was as far as Wewak got…)